her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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