Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
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Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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