No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
