If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
