I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks