The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?