What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
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FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.