i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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