I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
