a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
