I must be too annoying 4 u.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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