I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
