My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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