just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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