And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
