Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
