I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
