The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
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You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
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I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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