I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
