Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
