now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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