His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
