If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
