Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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