I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I supernannyed him into submission
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
