so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
