I haven't been this sober since birth.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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