Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
