she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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