I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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