at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
