I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So many bounce houses so little time
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
