I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So much Jack, so little girl.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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