Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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