Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
