When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
