i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
