Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
