Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
