Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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