Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
