I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
