You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
