So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
