she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
