you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm really busy with my period
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