Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
