when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
