Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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