I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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