I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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