It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
