When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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