My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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