You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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