I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
