Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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